I’ve been doing a pretty good job of holding it together lately. Now I am having some trouble again.
Nothing is ever really good anymore. It’s tolerable or it’s very bad.
I don’t have a ride to the airport in October. It’s seems a silly thing to be stressed over but I’m having trouble getting all my shit together in general and then not having a ride just makes me painfully aware of how alone I am.
And I have to return that dress but Modcloth is a fucking pain in the ass and they don’t include a return slip in the package you have to fucking print it out and I don’t have a printer and I am having one of those anxious periods were I am having trouble leaving the house for anything but work. And I’m tired. But I have to print out the fucking return to mail the fucking dress back and wait for them to fucking process the return and refund me the money so maybe I can buy another fucking dress and hope it is delivered before I have to go to the wedding.
Everything takes time and I am running out of time and I am anxious for all the socializing I have to do in October.
I feel empty. I’ve been wanting to sleep a lot. Work is becoming harder to get up for.
I am afraid of winter coming and the driving and always being cold.
I keep fighting this urge to give up. Some part of me keeps promising that things will get better. But I am more and more seeing that this is not so much situational as it is a character flaw. Nothing I do matters and I am without worth or purpose. It makes it very hard to get out of bed in the morning.