I saw myself in the mirror tonight and had this staggering moment of dissociation. Not that I did not recognize myself but that the external seemed incongruous with the external. I saw my face and did not see myself.
I have been too aware of myself. The space around me feels thicker. I am suspended like some once beating heart. Like some dead thing preserved. I don’t feel like I have what it takes for this life. I am filled with fear and my future is bleak. And I have a lot of shame. For the state of my life and for having no desire to fight for it.
I think if I did not have this student loan debt that at least I could be free. I wish I had found that wisdom before. Instead of shackling myself. I am not a fighter. I am too close to hopelessness. I was raised by the sad and the tired.
I’m sorry. I did not mean to talk about this. I wanted to talk about bees.
I don’t even know what I was going to say about bees. Only, aren’t they lovely? I wish I was as lovely as a bee.
I am very lonely. It is cold here.
I feel very deeply and maybe I was under the delusion that that gave my life some value. But I am not sure that I am anything more than a person who cries too often. Maybe I have nothing valuable to say at all. I do not seem to be fitting in this life. And not in a way that is interesting or beautiful but in a way that is frustrating and grey.
I am sad and tired.