I signed up for this Sherlock Halloween card exchange because I thought it would force me to stay creative. (I don’t think the others are making the cards. I don’t know why I do this to myself) I’ve been at it since I got home from work and have finished two cards. I’m so slow and it sort of feels like a creative waste? Like I don’t know these people maybe they’ll throw them in the trash. But then I think about getting a nice card and I feel a little better about it.
They are pretty cute.
If I finish in a timely manner maybe I’ll make some for people I know.
I just finished The Killing and am a little devastated. I don’t know. It was so good. I expected it to go on forever. But it concluded in a way that felt good. I wanted this character to be ok. She was such a great character. She was so human in a way so many shows fail to convey. I wanted her to be ok.
My mom said on the phone today that I am so listless and unhappy (I’m paraphrasing, she didn’t use those words) because I have not found that person yet. But I am inching around the thought lately that maybe I am meant to be alone. And I don’t mean that in a ‘woe is me, no one will ever love me’ sort of way, but in that maybe I do not know how to invite someone into my solitude. And maybe I never will. And maybe I’ll be ok alone with visits to the outside.
I really need to make some friends though. I shouldn’t be this isolated. But for the moment I am breathing through all the solitude alright.
In NYC I missed my quiet so much. I missed the quiet. I was becoming irritated by being constantly touched. Shoved and pushed and having to squeeze by. For someone who is a little obsessive about how much space she takes up, NYC is a little bit of agony. You are always taking up too much space and no space belongs to you.
There were so many beautiful people and they all looked so annoyed. The more beautiful the more annoyed. Like they were performing. Everyone was performing. Their own little show and they are all so angry. I don’t like the city. It’s a farce. It’s unkind.
I sometimes keep bad company just to have company. I don’t like the people that I have sometimes. They are not good for me. And I am mean to them because I don’t like them. I become someone I don’t like but I don’t think that’s me. I can’t seem to shake this one loose.
My sister keeps making comments about liking my hair growing out. And man, it just drives me crazy. I just can’t abide by commentary on my hair. Cutting it was such a huge thing for me. It changed how I saw myself and how I felt about myself and what I allowed myself. I just don’t want to hear any opinion about what I should do with my hair. I just don’t care for casual beauty advice on this life changing thing. I’d rather shave it off.
I want to start doing things. I don’t want to make excuses anymore. I want to make myself ready. I want to find happiness without the stepping stones. What is stopping me from doing what I want? What are the consequences really? I would like to have a little of my soul back. I would like to feel like I still have the ability to make myself worthwhile. To myself.
I want to learn to be happy alone. And to create when I’m hurting. Because I’m hurting. I don’t want to get as bad as I’ve been again.
I want to let go of needing people. Of hurting that no one is saying loving things to me. I want to let that bitterness go and focus on making myself someone who can be loved. And missed. And spoken sweetly to.
I don’t know what I’m doing though.