Posts tagged personal.

My face to face interaction for the week has included:

  • Coworkers discussing spousal abuse with comments such as “Well she spit at him”  And “It’s one thing if it was just a random woman but that was his wife
  • My brother asking for money
  • Lady at Walmart vision center talking too fast for me to respond in a timely manner and looking very unimpressed with my total culelessness over her eyeglass jargon
  • Some guy drinking from an open beer can telling me I was doing a good job trimming the hedges in the front lawn.  (That was not a euphemism I was literally trimming the hedges)

I fell deeply in love with this dress.  I wanted it so badly. 
But it only ran up to an XL.  Which is a 14 apparently.  I’m about a 16.  So I bought it anyway just in case I might be able to squeeze into it. 

And I really knew it wasn’t going to fit. 
But I am still really disappointed that it doesn’t fit. 
I am a little upset by it. 
I just wanted something to work out. 

I worked seven days in a row this last week.  Today is my day off and I am sick. And I go back into work tomorrow.

I don’t call out unless I’m vomiting so I’m not sure how this is all going to work out.  Six days a week is a lot.  I’m getting progressively more exhausted.  I just can’t seem to catch up.  And I feel more mentally unstable and I think it’s been showing. 

I don’t get any pleasure out of this job.  It just sucks the life out of me.  I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.  How do I get out?

I’m really lonely.  But I don’t know how to make friends anymore.  I was never very good at it.  Everything makes me feel so tired. 

#personal  #work  

This week has been really hard and I am going to dump that in here so feel free to ignore a lot of gross, self-pitying bullshit

Sometime I like to just think of myself as a skeleton.  Just some bones putting my blinker on to make this left turn.  Some bones shifting in my chair at work because I ache.  Some bones leaning my skull onto the skull of my cat as I have no lips to kiss. Just some bones.

I feel somewhat paranoid over facebook profile pictures. Another picture obviously taken of myself in the poorly lit house belonging to my parents.  I am sure these photos are being evaluated next to the photos of friends together.  Waist length shots with no arms stretching out to document themselves.  It feels like everyone knows.

When I was younger I stayed away from flowers.  I didn’t like that they were expected of me because I was a girl. I didn’t want to be a girl. Girl things were not things that I had any talent for.  I was not pretty or small or motherly.  And I hated women for being so limited.  But now I crave flowers.  I want to kiss their petals.  I am sorry that I have averted my eyes for so long.

I do not let Whitman outside.  Because I live in a bad neighborhood and people are cruel and there are more roads than grass and I am afraid he will get hurt.  When I mow the lawn he sniffs the grass on my legs, he sticks his nose in the corner of the door to smell the air and he watches outside the window like he’s in a cage.  I feel awful. 

I have been trying to go out more.  I have planned a concert and little outings with people.  But it’s not working.  I feel so aggravated all the time.  I don’t even like these people.  I just want to feel less alone.  I am beginning to really be afraid that I am the problem all the time. 

I’ve been painting for people again.  It feels desperate.  Little requests not to be forgotten.  Little offerings to relationships I don’t know how to keep.  It feels like goodbyes.

There is this weight in my chest.  This unshakable feeling that I have something worthwhile.  That I am not a waste.  That I still have stories in me and paintings and words.  That someone might really love me someday.  I do not speak it often because it seems foolish and fragile and maybe like I have tricked myself into believing I am more than I am.  I feel like I am stumbling over this poorly kept secret of the human condition.  That we survive on the hope that we are valuable.  I am afraid of looking to closely at this.  I so rarely feel like I am doing anything of value. 

Want to see my happy space?
Yes.  You do.